Prodding Plodding Along

Hi folks,

I have recovered from my cold, though my sinuses are still full and making my teeth hurt. Why are our heads full of little infectable cavities? Makes no sense...

Next week Jon starts his new job full-time. He's been home with me part-time since the end of November (after his nearly 2 months of paternity leave) and it's been really really nice. Really, I couldn't ask for a more caring and loving husband and father for our son. He's also hugely more patient than I am with Elliott. Elliott sleeps in a swing on Jon's side of the bed and he is the one to get up many times each and every night to pop Elliott's pacifier back in and give us another hour of sleep. He also brings me breakfast in bed every morning. Granted, it's just a yogurt, but when you're starving first thing in the morning, it's wonderful not to have to deal with the baby before feeding yourself. He also wears Elliott in the Moby for hours on end, without complaint. Our little guy is heavy, 15lbs, and I know it has got to hurt his back at least a little. He also changes all the diapers when he is at home. In short: Jon wins.

So starting next Monday, I will be a full-time SAHM. This wasn't really how I foresaw this happening, but here we are. I've been very conflicted about returning to work. Mostly because I have a lovely easygoing baby who allows me to believe that parenting isn't as hard as I anticipated it would be. I think if I had a more high-maintenance child, I would be running off to interviews at lightening speed, but as it is, I'm enjoying myself. And that's dangerous, because I don't have to work, but our family could proceed with our plans a lot faster if I did. I've begun sending out resumes, but I haven't had any bites yet, and we don't have childcare lined up if I miraculously got a job tomorrow (though we are on a few waiting lists). I also feel like getting my MBA would have been a total waste of time and $60k if I were to not work and stay home forever. And what would happen when Elliott went to school? Or when the kids were out of the house? I feel like I want a career at some point in my life, but that if I wait too long, it will pass me by.

On the other hand, how could I let anyone else take care of my amazing little boy? How will I be able to bear being away from him to go to some silly job where I work so hard for the privilege of not seeing my baby? How can I possibly care about my job now that I have a son, who is obviously so much more important than any job?

It's all the same crap that mothers have been dealing with for years and years. Career? Family? How can I have both and still be happy? The anxiety has been sneaking up on me for the past 6 weeks or so and it was starting to feel like it was going to overtake and consume me at any moment and I wouldn't be able to enjoy this time I have at home. So I saw my psychiatrist and told him I would like the Zoloft back so I don't slip and fall back into that pit of panic. Elliott will thank me for my decision, I am sure of it. This way, he gets to have the best Mommy he can.


Buddha baby...