Down Deep

Hey folks-

I know I haven't piped up for awhile. These last few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me. I've been ruminating in my house, unwilling (and sometimes mentally unable) to leave. I know, it sounds far worse than it really is. I've had some schoolwork to do, but I haven't really worked on it at all. And I came to the realization last weekend that this little sojourn of mine into my head needs to end. And soon. I need to go back to work.

This was an experiment, this staying at home thing. And it doesn't work for me. I thought it would be so much different than what it has turned out to be. Mostly, I'm lonely (but yet socially paralyzed to the extent that I can't leave the house. Lovely that!). I've always known that I am an external thinker; I need people around to bounce ideas and plans off of, to try them on for size. And I have to tell you: Oslo just ain't cuttin' it in his role as a sounding board. Being busy is my savior; I actually like being overloaded. I saw my mentor from school last night and I talked to her about how it is to stay at home and it was as if she had lived my life. I talked about how I need my own money again (and to MAKE my own money) even though Jon's salary more than supports our lifestyle. She filled in the sentence with "I'm sure he's happy to provide money to you, but you feel terribly guilty about taking it, right?" And that's it exactly, I need to feel like I have an equity stake in our household, that I'm not some financial remora.

So I started applying to jobs, submitting my resume and cover letters, and all I've heard in return is utter silence. I manically check my inbox, wondering if I provided the wrong email address, but after I check for the millionth time, I see that I haven't. It's a horrible feeling to feel like you're uncompelling. I know that it's all about the network and that I am the most impatient person on Earth, but this lack of anything is almost worse than not sticking my neck out there at all and rotting away in my house.

Of course I've been knitting, but even that isn't making my heart and hands happy like it used to. Plus, all the knitting I've been up to is Secret Gift Knitting, so I can't show you anyway. It'll be that way for a while yet, until I finish a few key projects for the upcoming holidays. Maybe I'll start a cardigan just so that I'll have something to post about.